A brief drawing, an inspiring idea that what you see is expressive and what you cannot see is imaginary and illustrative.
It’s like a day of period with no blood.
A stranger you happened to know,
appeared as a pair of ears behind the wall.
You can not see,
while the stranger can hear and see through a hole,
that formed by a gap between you and the stranger.
The inside all peace and clean.
The outside dirty, messy and crazy.
Like the blood on pads stretching on the street.
Before Spring Festival, there was a fear that I used to feeling for these years. Every time I see my family, my father would repeat the same thing over and over that I should not write. Because in his world, writing never suits me and never will. He only supports me to be either a doctor or teacher. I thought 2015 he would change his mind, but he didn’t. Yet this time, I calmed down and kept silence. Then the next early morning, I took most of my family members to visit downtown in Shenzhen, except my little sis and my father who works 365 days a year…
No matter how much I have worried, the end of happiness is strange and naked. Maybe I have a magic family or maybe the happiness is magic itself. No doubt I have learned this year after year. Each and every year has more contents and memories than the last…
I am going to travel abroad from Feb 25th to April 1st. I take it as the “honeymoon” of my first “lesbian” marriage. Surely, the lesbian marriage is fake. Hence, I want to burn, burn, burn…
After I decided to write my dream, I quit this full-time job in 2013. Honestly I’m not any material to make any money. The more I work on money, the more I despise it. It’s a stroke of luck that I finally left a shitty place for this job as a sales girl. Surely this job made me know more people like our Portuguese Manager and some Chinese hard-working girls. Yet it saddened me in many ways, like I trusted the company and believed what I was told in the interview. One day the accountant made a big mistake on my monthly salary, and I found that the company had paid my basic salary as rmb2800, which was supposed to be rmb3000, for half a year. I studied and started everything from ZERO, alone. Through the whole time I had to search in despair and make cold phone calls worldwide with hope for a customer without having any account of my own in Alibaba or Globalsource. So on that day in March 2013, one of the old sales girls, Lisa, let me use her account on Alibaba and this fun dark humor happened, purely and shockingly.
Heather Cai (17:01:30):hello Do you have any inquiry of USB & Memory cards? power banks?Marilou Baylis (17:02:11):FUCK OFF YELLOW PEOPLEHeather Cai (17:03:17):Sorry to disturb such impolite WHATEVERMarilou Baylis (17:03:33):piss offHeather Cai (17:03:45):FUCK OFF –back to youMarilou Baylis (17:04:10):SUCK MY BIG COCK 🙂Heather Cai (17:04:49):I can suck WHATEVER kinda cock, not your type.BTW: What’s the color of your mysterious COCK ?Marilou Baylis (17:05:44):CAN I CUM UP YOU BABY ? BIG WHITE COCK FOR YOU HONEYHeather Cai (17:06:44):EXCUSE ME,BIG WHITE COCKMarilou Baylis (17:07:46):can i meet you ?Heather Cai (17:09:33):fuck off white cock I am YELLOW as you already FUCKED OFFMarilou Baylis (17:09:59):have you picture ?can i cum in your pussy ?Heather Cai (17:11:13):Go fuck off yourselfMarilou Baylis (17:11:35):i would like to fuck you ?Heather Cai (17:11:59):If so, i prefer to fuck myself with my middle fingerMarilou Baylis (17:12:27):you make me hot hot hotHeather Cai (17:13:11):Then F*CK yourself in front of a mirror on ur faceMarilou Baylis (17:13:45):send me a picture please of you ?i would like you to be my girl friend ?Heather Cai (17:14:19):NO WAYMarilou Baylis (17:15:03):you make me very sad 😦Heather Cai (17:15:41):Make yourself YELLOW, Then i will fuck u badlymy bfs are queueing in The Great WallMarilou Baylis (17:16:56):you must be good in bed ?Heather Cai (17:17:12):SilentMarilou Baylis (17:17:36):ok that fine with me babysend me picture of you ? i think you very pretty and sexy 🙂Heather Cai (17:18:44):SpeechlessMarilou Baylis (17:19:56):how old are you ?Heather Cai (17:20:09):SecretMarilou Baylis (17:21:39):are you getting hot ?Heather Cai (17:22:08):UnknowableMarilou Baylis (17:24:46):miss youMarilou Baylis (17:26:17):bye lisaHeather Cai (17:26:52):I am not LisaMarilou Baylis (17:27:22):whats your real name ?Heather Cai (17:27:34):Can u make ur eyes wide open on HEATHER CAIMarilou Baylis (17:28:01):dont noMarilou Baylis (17:29:41):is that your name heather cai ?Heather Cai (17:29:50):YESMarilou Baylis (17:30:31):thats goodmy name is shaneHeather Cai (17:30:58):Shane or shame shame?Marilou Baylis (17:31:12):shaneHeather Cai (17:31:39):Oh, yeah. I just forgot a movie also SHANE not Shamewhile i liked it to be ShameMarilou Baylis (17:32:05):thats the one the cowboy filmHeather Cai (17:32:14):YupMarilou Baylis (17:33:13):have you picture of you ? could you send me ?Heather Cai (17:34:00):Come to meet me in Futian district, Shenzhen city, ChinaI will give u a real pic of ME-Heather CaiMarilou Baylis (17:34:32):its a long wayHeather Cai (17:34:51):and a long way to NOWHERESo forget itMarilou Baylis (17:35:22):please send pic ?Heather Cai (17:35:59):Paint your BIG COCK in YELLOW, i may think about itMarilou Baylis (17:36:45):okMarilou Baylis (17:38:26):bye heather caiHeather Cai (17:41:48):bye white cockMarilou Baylis (17:42:47):mmmmmmuuuaaahh
Once upon a time, Juses rejected my friend request. Because he thought I am one of those people who use fake pics as their profile pictures.
There was a long story. He “bombed” me and called me “The Worst Blogger Ever”. However, I was too bored to ignore such a “fight”. Basically, a blog that I wrote in 2012 can explain something.
To Remember Juses Wept
It began with my “worst blogs” and ended up with his “nice shoes”.
There were some scary imaginings from his aggressive responses to those “worst blogs”.
Just could see his killing eyes from his every single sharp word in the very beginning.
Not easy to find something exciting like that in real life before SZS.
No Chinese man would do it to a girl with a rare pic on site.
It’s like the best music composed of heavy tones only.
Beat up !
Damned f*ckin beat!
Then never expected to meet him up by chance with a friendly handshake , two nice smiles and a joking “Nice shoes!”
After that , crazy silence and disappearance….
Jesus Wept gone…for ever?
And another “mysterious ” guy PM about my related “nice shoes and nice face” from a common comment.
By chance,when we met again and sat beside each other, I hardly recognized his face.
God Damn it! It’s him with the strongest perfume I ever smelled.
PM to confirm he is the one with mystery but not the same style as before.
Asked what made him so “different ”and why no longer that “aggressive ”.
No answers. –Fine.
No more letters to “Juses”.
No longer dumped shit to fill up the site.
More peaceful feelings for eyes.
Some even can heal a black heart.
Please don’t guess it’s “yellow ” or “wet”.
Just try to remember to remember…
PS: Why “Juses”? There is another story too. Thank you for reading! 🙂
Years ago, when I was muddled like a bud, a sophisticated artist let out a long sigh of sadness, saying to me, “You seem like nothing. You could be something.”
I didn’t get it then. Nor did I ever take it seriously. After these years of exploring myself widely, not only do I get it but now feel it strongly. Nothing that I can have, I am not afraid to feel something. Something big, like a big bubble, occupying a large space, floating aimlessly yet towards a certain direction, facing to sort of death anytime soon. It seems as if the bubble never exists in human’s real life, but it does have experienced a real life itself. With the rainbow colors, the weak dreamy skin and the amusing floating dance, it seems to give only a momentary joy for the eyes and be forgotten right after its explosion.
When things are left behind that way, they are nothing to human beings. Aren’t they? And if a thing becomes nothing, what would it stay for? The universe makes everything perfect for everything else. Whatever size it is, it is supposed to have a place to live or die. The sky is for the land and sea. The sun is for the plants and animals. The fire is for light and water. The mirror is for the eyes. The life is for the death and the death is for the new life.The pussy is for the cock, just like the hole is for something to stuff in. This is how I feel. I am a being within nothingness out of nothing.
For a moment, however, I feel myself as something different. Something hard like a bell is tolling into your heart in the distance. When the night falls, I am not afraid of the darkness. When the sun rises, I am grateful to be gleaming under the sunshine. Whenever, wherever and whatever, as a bell the job is to toll and toll unconditionally. To whom the bell tolls, is to whom it may concern. To those who can see, listen and feel it, the bell shall take a seat in the universe. I wonder who would listen and who will see and feel it.
Here at an unknown corner of China, the wind is coldly blowing her bare feet. Outside, more people are constructing in the dust than those who are celebrating Xmas of 2014. Yet right now she can’t stop thinking of a question: What exactly makes a girl become a woman?
Why? Because she is nobody’s, from nowhere. She is twenty-eight, remains an orphan and a yellow flower leftover on the roadside. Nobody can look into her eyes and tell her directly whether she is now a woman or a girl.
Thus, she remembers her mother’s face and some of her words. Even though her face now is rather vague yet her words still echoing and haunting her world. Particularly, one sleepless night, before her mother fell asleep so deeply that she never woke up and that she herself, at ten, never thought of death and being all alone, she was told, If you bleed between your legs, you are no longer the same girl. You would be a woman, a woman who can breed like I have you. Remember, don’t be afraid and don’t be a silly girl but a strong woman. Be a woman, a real woman! Continue reading
Never thought I would visit Luoping, Bamei, Yuanyang and Jianshui before Lijiang, Dali, Xishuangbanna and Yulong Snow Mountain. A Mangolian painter once suggested me to visit Lijiang first among China before it becomes too commercial. I didn’t listen. Now it seems already too commercial. 😦
The first stop-Luoping. We were told that the rape flowers almost gone when we booked the hotel. However, when we arrived at Jinji Peak, it turned out to be surprisingly beautiful, specially the views when we climbed up to the hills and looked down or looked into the distance.
The second stop-Bamei. It’s famous for Wandering Land(世外桃源) by Tao Yuanming in Song Dynasty. Once a pony took you along a mysterious small bumping road with all different peaceful views, you immediately forgot the city and how tired you were. Then a green boat took you into the dark and amazingly quiet Taoyuan Cave. For a moment, I was scared in the complete darkness and quietness with the black shadows moving around me. When someone turned on the torch, found it’s other boats passing by, not ghost. I wondered, how they work in the darkness? When it came to the colorful light through the holes above there, it’s holy that you could see the blue sky with white clouds in shapes like animals, many different reflections on the water and the shapes on the stone. Some like Chinese characters dancing, some like a hot body shaped singer performing, some like skulls, some like fairy lady, some like angel…
When you came out of the Cave, your eyes are suddenly brightened by the wide sceneries with rape flowers, peach blossoms, pear blooming, running river, great mountains and local people moving on the land. Absolutely, a great poem for peace. A cave after another. One in the open air and another with lights. When taking a walk, you felt like you too a part of the poem.
The third stop-Yuanyang. It took us more than 12 hours on the bumping bus to get to Yuanyang for the terraces. At dawn, many tourists already stood on the View Point of Duoyishu to wait for the beautiful sunrise above the terraces from the top of mountains. During the day, the clouds arose the terraces,covered the village gradually and disappeared, then came out again. In the early evening, we came to Azheke for a unique sunset view with all different colors in nature and saw most beautiful iridescent clouds ever. It’s truly amazing when the colors of the light from sunrise or sunset reflected on the water of the terraces. So beautiful.
The fourth stop-Jianshui. It’s an old town. You could see the modern stuff crushed on the ancient elements and amusedly, I felt it very intriguing. Specially, when came to Tuanshan Village, I found each step I moved, it could be the element for any sculptures or inspirations for any artist. You saw the local faces and you felt its culture deeply. Seen most of the women did farm work and house work while many men relaxed somewhere you never knew.
It’s a contradiction that as long as a place is found as an interesting place to see, before long it would turn out to be a commercial product of money. Once it becomes commercial, the real original beauty seems to lose little by little in silence. This is sad, because we cannot do anything about it. Can we?
Language is a thing that easily makes a questionable history and beautifies the ugly side of the world.
Discover the beautiful words and marry the good, separate from the ugly and divorce the bad. — Heather Cai
A while ago, a good friend passed me something good from another good friend who likes to share some of his writing ideas and who is writing a fiction himself. As always I like to share whatever good with the rest of the world. Carrying a dream to be a good writer then a real artist, I feel it important to share what I think is good, especially with those who have similar interests or dreams.
Here is Booker – long listed novelist, award-winning poet and widely published journalist Paul Kingsnorth on writing.
If you want to be a writer, you will be a writer. In fact, if you want to be a writer, you already are. Congratulations.
P.S.: There are more, of course. But hey, the very first step is the voice, the belief within inside. We not only have to believe we will be a writer but act as we already are. This is essential.